Today is the second time I managed to break myself and cry in the last 3 months.

I don’t know how to manage my emotions, and they show up in the worst moments, and I feel like shit because I can’t handle them.

And this is not something new, I know it’s happening since my childhood, but everytime I don’t address it because I don’t want to.

I’m just a weak guy who lets their emotions control them and not the other way around

These situations happen every time when I’m stuck on a problem at work, and I do not know how to fix it, and I want to fix it by myself.

I do not want to ask for help because I do not want to waste other people’s time with my problems, why should they care about mine when they already have their problems to solve?

After spending some time trying to solve the problem and staying stuck, I start to lose patience and my calm and start thinking that I do not have the capacity to come up with a solution.

I try to relativize and calm myself, but every time it amplifies the problem and makes it worse, until I just start shouting, or I break and start crying.

The worst thing is that I hate is that I know I have the mental capacity how to solve the problem, but I keep telling myself that I can’t.

I feel lucky that I got to the point where I am, and I feel im just a pessimist who is always complaining about stuff but is not doing anything to improve the situation.

This time I was asking for help, instead of the first time when I just kept trying to figure it out by myself, so at least there’s some improvement.

How can I move forward and stop having shit like that?

I don’t know if I want to continue working in tech to be honest, and it’s not the first time im thinking of that…

But at the same time tech is the only thing I know so what can I do if I’m not in tech? I’ve been there since I was 8 (im 20 now).

Besides, that if it’s happening right now when I’m in school/internship with no responsibilities how is it going to be when I will have some?

Also I am supposed to go to canada next year but with covid around I don’t know if I’ll be able to, and I start almost not wanting to go even though I know I will probably have a good time there.

My parents pay for everything, and I do not want them to pay a shit ton of money for nothing.

Fuck man, I’m so lost and broken

Maybe it’s time to really rethink of what I want to do in my life

Sometimes I really want to kill myself to just end it and once and for all

Just fucking sucks

How do people get their shit together and move forward? And why am I breaking so easily like that?